wanna go halves on a baby?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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