Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
