can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
