I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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