I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
