Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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