Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
