Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
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