Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
