Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
