I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
