so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
