If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
