I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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