I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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