My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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