Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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