We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think pants incapable of making pants work
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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