My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
