Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
