just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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