i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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