1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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