Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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