I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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