Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize