fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
