so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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