I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
