I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Randomize
