Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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