For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
