She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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