No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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