the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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