I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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