Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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