new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
where does the pee come out of this thing
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize