If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Sorry my hands just texted you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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