Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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