New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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