If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
