I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
