he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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