I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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