I would go down on you faster than GM stock
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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