I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
