Do you still have your period?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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