how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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