cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i came on her dog
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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