if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You were trust falling into bushes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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