: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
