I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Damn victory sex feels great
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
