i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
