Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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