Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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