I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
